Thursday, November 26, 2009


There's so many directions to take a post on Thanksgiving Day. I debated listing the things I am thankful for or talking about how the holiday is different this year because I'm in an apartment and can't cook or have company stay. I've thought about a lot of things I could mention, but decided to focus this post instead on my feelings at this time.

It's funny how at some times we want time to speed by and at other times we want it to slow down. Three months ago, I was really looking forward to Thanksgiving. I was thinking about how I would know by now the sex of the baby I was pregnant with, I'd definitely be looking pregnant, and I surely would be feeling the baby move around. I was wanting the time to slow a bit so I could really enjoy my first pregnancy.

Now, I couldn't be more different. I'm definitely in the "speed-by" stage. After the miscarriage, I have wanted the time to pass quickly. I've been counting the days and hoping the holidays fly by. Part of that has to do with not having a house to decorate or a kitchen to speak of that I could cook a decent meal. But, mostly, it has to do with counting down the days until we can start the next round of fertility treatment.

I fill my days with work, work, and more work. I always find something to do. Whether it's spending more time thinking about and managing Studio Calico, or perusing the internet and retailers for home ideas and resources for the remodel, I'm constantly busy. My hands are going or my mind is going, or both are going 99.9% of the day. I stay busy.

But at the end of the day, even though I've filled my mind with the cares of the day, there's still that 0.01% that's thinking about fertility. What can we do to prevent a miscarriage again? What could we change in the next cycle of treatment to achieve a better result? How are we going to pay for the treatment? Did I check the temperature in the fridge to make sure my injectibles are stored at the correct temperature? Am I going to be the case that is puzzling to the doctors? What is our next step if this cycle fails?

The one thing that has never crossed my mind is how I will deal with another failure. I've never once worried about my mental health throughout the ups and downs of this process.

That is what I am thankful for this year.

I'm thankful that I have a faith in God. I'm thankful that I have Him to take my concerns to. I'm thankful that my husband shares that faith and that we can go to God together in prayer. I'm thankful that I have parents who taught me that faith. I'm thankful that I have friends who have developed that faith and helped to keep me strong. It's not a faith that thinks that everything always will turn out the way I want it to. Rather, it's a faith that knows that everything will happen according to God's plan.

I'm thankful for what I've learned. I've learned so much about infertility from a medical standpoint, and because of such, I've been able to help others. I've learned so much about my husband and how we communicate with one another. I've learned so much about child-training and have been blessed with additional time (more than 9 months) to prepare for that. I've learned that I'm not in control.

I'm thankful for the resources I have. I'm thankful that I have a supportive husband who wants to go to doctor visits with me and wants to spend money to have a child. I'm thankful I don't have to overcome barriers within my family to seek treatment. I'm thankful I developed a friendship with my nurse who has helped answer my questions, give me advice, and give me something to look forward to. I'm thankful for the Christians who I work with who don't make me feel guilty for skipping out on work when I can't lift objects over 10 lbs or when I have to go to the doctor 5 times a week.

I have a lot to be thankful for. Everyone does. No matter what your situation in life. No matter how bad things seem to be. No matter what you don't have control over. No matter what, we all can look for the best in any situation.

And, even if we want our situation to speed by, we can be thankful for it anyway, right?


jill marie barrett said...

your story is very dear to me. my husband and i have gone down that same path. your approach and attitude are amazing! i wish i was that strong. when we were in the thick of everything, one of my girlfriends told me that the greatest gift you could give to a child was a rock-solid marriage. you and greg have had to have conversations that most couples have never had to have. talked about what to do if your dream doesn't come true. and how much more blessed you will be when your dream does come true. i am glad to see you and greg are a strong couple. i will keep you two in my thoughts and prayers.

Karen said...

it will happen for you. i have faith in that! happy thankgiving! xoxo

Cynthia Lloréns said...

Happy thanksgivin!!!
I'm very happy for you, and I just love your story.
I really enjoy your attitude!!!
I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers here in Brazil.
Thanks again for everithing.
Hugs and kiss
Cynthia from Brazil

Elisa said...

Happy Thanksgiving April!
I know what you are going through, keep on believing.
You have a beautiful attitude to life and I hope that your prayers will be answered come next Thanksgiving.

Anonymous said...

God's blessings on you and your dear husband this Thanksgiving and always, April.
Beth Ann

Wendy said...

yes, i agree that we have MANY things to be thankful!

it's best to live each day to the fullest and enjoying friends & family! God gets us through the toughest of times when we think there is no one that understands what we are going through but we can always rely on him and we just must put trust in him.

keep your great outlook on life!

BIG BIG hugs to you April!!

Kimberly said...

Wonderful read. Keeping you and your doctor's on my TAWG list. It will happen. I know it is hard to be be still and listen to the will happen.

Kimber-Leigh said...

oh, april. i love how you share that we are to be thankful for what God is giving us even when it's not what we expected. i'm thankful that you are leaning on Him through all this. and i am praying for you. :) happy thanksgiving.

Houston said...

April, I teared up reading this post, you are in my prayers, I know how hard this can all be but your attitude is stellar and that makes all the difference in the world. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season filled with family and friends. God Bless.

Nicole said...

April, you are truly a gift from God. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. And thank you for reminding me about what's important. :)

lindsay k. said...

april, your post has me in tears. i have never suffered a loss like you and greg have. from what i "know" about you from your scrapbook layouts to the way you run studio calico, you are an amazing woman. one day you'll be an amazing mom. stay strong. but on the days you aren't, know that the entire sc community is here for you!

stephanie howell said...

you are so strong. and level-headed. and brave. and you WILL be a mommy. i have no doubt of that in my mind. a wonderful mommy. and i keep telling you, it's okay to let your guard down. even to cry. but above all, God will protect and love you. and i'm always here if you need me. xoxo

nichole said...

beautiful words, april. truly so spot on. i caught myself "amen-ing" your post many times while reading. thank you for sharing. i, too struggle with infertility & wouldn't wish it on anyone, but am SO thankful to have a God who is all knowing & has the perfect plan! I wish you all the best, sweet girl! Many blessings to you! :)

Joaniebolognie said...

April...your heart-felt words & feelings brought me to tears.

You are so right...God guides you and your hubbie thru the joys and sorrows of marriage. He has a plan for us all.....I'll be praying that his plan includes a baby.

You are blessed with such supportive family & friends...lean on them, you don't always have to be the strongest...we all need a shoulder to cry on or scream at!

Hugs to you.....Joan

Stephanie said...

Such a fantastic post. I have had such a year as well...nothing as serious as yours, but it tested my faith nontheless. I am happy to say that I feel the same as you...God has a plan, all we have to do is let him work it out.

You're in my prayers. :)

Sandy said...

Thank you for sharing your story April! I'll be praying for you - the Lord will give you a peace that surpasses all understanding. He loves you and your husband and will take care of every detail in your lives. Your courageous attitude is so inspiring!! Keep looking to Him!!

Nicole Samuels said...

April, your post here is so uplifting and inspiring. Thank you for sharing your heart. I know you will one day be a mother and an amazing one at that. Your words about faith and that God is in control are so true. It was when I finally accepted that fact and truly let it go to Him that I finally received answer to our prayer for a baby. I'll keep you and Greg in my prayers!!! :)

*reyanna* said...

Oh, April, thank you so much for this post. It was so wonderful. You are so strong. I honestly wish I was as strong as you are. That will be my goal for the coming year... strength. I want to be so much stronger. You are such an inspiration, and I'm so blessed to call you a friend... and to have your blog to read. :-)

Amie said...

April~ I was checking out your blog & came across this post.
I am so sorry for your struggles & your lost. I have struggled through infertility as well. We tried for about 18 months before my sweet Davis was conceived. We had a little help from modern medicine as well.
I have a baby in heaven waiting on me that I lost a few years ago. That loss rocked my world! A part of me was taken & I'll never be the same. However, I have faith in a God that loves me & my eyes have never been more focused on heaven!
We tried again for about 4 years to get my sweet baby girl. I would run to the fridge daily to check on the drugs & play w/ the needles just waiting till I could use them again. My sweet girl is now 6 weeks old.
If you don't mind me asking... what injectables are you taking? I have a fridge full of follistim that has never been opened! LOL
I wish you the best!