Thursday, November 26, 2009
There's so many directions to take a post on Thanksgiving Day. I debated listing the things I am thankful for or talking about how the holiday is different this year because I'm in an apartment and can't cook or have company stay. I've thought about a lot of things I could mention, but decided to focus this post instead on my feelings at this time.
It's funny how at some times we want time to speed by and at other times we want it to slow down. Three months ago, I was really looking forward to Thanksgiving. I was thinking about how I would know by now the sex of the baby I was pregnant with, I'd definitely be looking pregnant, and I surely would be feeling the baby move around. I was wanting the time to slow a bit so I could really enjoy my first pregnancy.
Now, I couldn't be more different. I'm definitely in the "speed-by" stage. After the miscarriage, I have wanted the time to pass quickly. I've been counting the days and hoping the holidays fly by. Part of that has to do with not having a house to decorate or a kitchen to speak of that I could cook a decent meal. But, mostly, it has to do with counting down the days until we can start the next round of fertility treatment.
I fill my days with work, work, and more work. I always find something to do. Whether it's spending more time thinking about and managing Studio Calico, or perusing the internet and retailers for home ideas and resources for the remodel, I'm constantly busy. My hands are going or my mind is going, or both are going 99.9% of the day. I stay busy.
But at the end of the day, even though I've filled my mind with the cares of the day, there's still that 0.01% that's thinking about fertility. What can we do to prevent a miscarriage again? What could we change in the next cycle of treatment to achieve a better result? How are we going to pay for the treatment? Did I check the temperature in the fridge to make sure my injectibles are stored at the correct temperature? Am I going to be the case that is puzzling to the doctors? What is our next step if this cycle fails?
The one thing that has never crossed my mind is how I will deal with another failure. I've never once worried about my mental health throughout the ups and downs of this process.
That is what I am thankful for this year.
I'm thankful that I have a faith in God. I'm thankful that I have Him to take my concerns to. I'm thankful that my husband shares that faith and that we can go to God together in prayer. I'm thankful that I have parents who taught me that faith. I'm thankful that I have friends who have developed that faith and helped to keep me strong. It's not a faith that thinks that everything always will turn out the way I want it to. Rather, it's a faith that knows that everything will happen according to God's plan.
I'm thankful for what I've learned. I've learned so much about infertility from a medical standpoint, and because of such, I've been able to help others. I've learned so much about my husband and how we communicate with one another. I've learned so much about child-training and have been blessed with additional time (more than 9 months) to prepare for that. I've learned that I'm not in control.
I'm thankful for the resources I have. I'm thankful that I have a supportive husband who wants to go to doctor visits with me and wants to spend money to have a child. I'm thankful I don't have to overcome barriers within my family to seek treatment. I'm thankful I developed a friendship with my nurse who has helped answer my questions, give me advice, and give me something to look forward to. I'm thankful for the Christians who I work with who don't make me feel guilty for skipping out on work when I can't lift objects over 10 lbs or when I have to go to the doctor 5 times a week.
I have a lot to be thankful for. Everyone does. No matter what your situation in life. No matter how bad things seem to be. No matter what you don't have control over. No matter what, we all can look for the best in any situation.
And, even if we want our situation to speed by, we can be thankful for it anyway, right?